📜 By Quill & Candlelight: The Dispatches of Colonel Shufflebottom on the Matter of Colonial Nonsense
🗓️ August 23rd, 1775 — Rebellion and Sedition
“Today, His Majesty King George III, in a moment of regal exasperation, has issued a Proclamation for Suppressing Rebellion and Sedition. In short: the colonies are now officially rebellious, which is rather like declaring that fire is hot or that colonial cooperation is as suspicious as the stew they serve in public houses.”
“The proclamation insists that all loyal subjects must report traitorous correspondence. I shall begin with my neighbor, who once winked at a pamphlet titled ‘Liberty and Molasses’. Highly dubious.”
“The King’s language is florid, his punctuation aggressive, and his expectations ambitious. He commands all officers to suppress rebellion with ‘utmost endeavours’—a phrase which, in military terms, translates to marching in circles while shouting about loyalty and dignity.”
“It is also suggested that anyone aiding the rebels shall be punished with ‘condign severity.’ I had to look up ‘condign.’ It means ‘deserved.’ I suspect it also means ‘unpleasant and involving paperwork.’”
Ever loyal, occasionally baffled
Colonel Archibald Shufflebottom, 47th Regiment of Foot
Defender of Empire, Interpreter of Royal Proclamations & Condign Vocabulary
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